December 7 – It didn’t rain on FIFA president Gianni Infantino’s World Cup Draw parade last Friday, but it did snow, and it provided a sub-zero chill for the media who waited outside for 90 minutes-plus until they could no longer feel their toes.

That chill was met reciprocally by the world’s media inside the Kennedy Centre as they watched the game they worshiping-ly travel the world for, being politicised by the new rule of FIFA-fawning over US president Donald Trump and his MAGA agenda. IFAB need to take a closer look at this as it is delaying the game.

We were all there for the World Cup 2026 group draw (worth repeating in case you have already missed why we were there) and though we knew we were going to be in for a fantasy ride of a morning, it was already a supremely surreal start.

The media entrance was situated in front of the Saudi Arabian embassy on Jamal Kashoggi Way (a reminder of what happened to one of our own or a warning to any ‘ugly’ thinkers in the assembled unwashed media ranks). As we shuffled forward like arctic penguins in a National Geographic documentary, huddled together for warmth and protection, we were greeted by surly Secret Service agents.

As sharp-eyed trained journalists we knew they were Secret Service because it said so on their uniforms. Not so secret really but these agents were on a mission and were doing a damn fine job of bag checking in the land of the free.

Having completed the allotted freezing time, and all weapons removed bar sharp tongues and keyboards, it was time for the business of the morning.

Cue Infantino who opened proceedings with the line: “Fifa is the official happiness provider for the world for 100 years.”

Tell that to the English who are still in shock over the Hand of God in 1986, David Beckham’s sending off in 1998, and the dubious French goal that effectively knocked them out of the 2022 finals. FIFA for the English has been the official misery provider since 1966.

The thing about ‘happiness’ in football is that it creates misery in equal measures. There can only be one winning team and it is hard to be happy when you lose, and it is misery compounded when you believe you should have won.

The 2026 World Cup will be the “Greatest event that mankind has ever seen and ever will see,” Infantino continued. He means sporting event. And the numbers will be record breaking – seven million in stadiums, ‘two times, three times, four times more people in the US to experience 104 Super Bowls in one month’. There “are between 500 million to 1 billion people watching on TV” we were told – a big number range but what’s 500 million between friends. But more to the point, if there are 8 billion people on earth, what were the 7 billion doing missing this globally unifying moment?

“We are here to enjoy and celebrate,” said Infantino. And celebrate he did.

In truth – putting aside the deeply uncomfortable politics of the occasion – it was for the most part a polished and well-staged performance by the two ringmasters of global football and global politics who have a kind of Hinge and Bracket rapport. Never mind the cringe, this is a macabre kind of entertainment but entertainment nonetheless – it is becoming compulsive viewing. Infantino kept to his script while Trump, dominating like the larger-than-life figure he is, just about kept to the protocol. The cringe moments were many and FIFA’s first-ever peace award – a very ugly trophy and a medal ‘you can wear whenever you want’ which Trump promptly hung on his own neck – was nevertheless handled with suitable gravity, seriousness and explanation. If you had turned up for an awards ceremony it might have worked and perhaps even felt appropriate if you were drinking that brand of kool-aid. But it wasn’t appropriate, not even in this sport entertainment fantasy creation.

But “America is show business” and so on with the show – the show to introduce the greatest show on earth.

Port Vale’s finest, Robbie Williams, sang but looked as though he would rather be somewhere else. Nicole Scherzinger sang with him and knocked it out the park. It was all held together by comedian Kevin Hart and super model Heidi Klum, just about.

Rapper Lauryn Hill – introduced as a ‘generational talent’ – stole this part of the entertainment and more than showed why she is one of the best, but the audience was mostly comprised of the non-rap generations and after more than an hour of delays there was a growing bemusement and impatience in the ranks of the 2,000 spectators.

The length of the show prompted one senior football official to remark in the evening rounds of hotel hobnobbing that if we have to squeeze all this entertainment into the half time show at the final next July, perhaps we should consider extending the break or even playing the second half the following day.

At last we were getting to the draw stage which had some chuckle moments of its own, the best ones delivered by draw assistant and NBA great Shaquille O’Neal with his comical size comparison to Kevin Hart (no words needed for this) and his off-script comment that he is known as David Blackham.

Draw assistant and NFL legend Tom Brady was his American preppy self while baseball star Aaron Judge was far too cool for school. NHL giant Wayne Gretzky at least had the balls to admit he wasn’t quite sure what was going on – he kept passing the puck to Rio Ferdinand who just about got away with playing out of position, and the quite brilliant Samantha Johnson who played another broadcast blinder in the draw’s midfield.

With the teams allocated to their groups it was time to close out the show with some inclusivity.

Village People performed YMCA with all the dance actions for the village idiots, and the leader of the free world jigged along to the encouragement of those in the cheap seats.

This had truly been a draw like no other created from deep within FIFA’s Disney-like fantasy world.

As we all trudged out of the Kennedy Centre and back into the cold, it felt like we should be singing the US marines marching song that was so brilliantly immortalised in the Full Metal Jacket movie:

‘Who’s the leader of the club,

That’s made for you and me,

M.I.C.K.E.Y. M.O.U.S.E

Mickey Mouse (Donald Duck)

Mickey Mouse (Donald Duck)…’

If you don’t know the song look it up, it is a sure-fire, on-brand winner for crowds to chant in 2026.

Contact the writer of this story at moc.l1765206336labto1765206336ofdlr1765206336owedi1765206336sni@n1765206336osloh1765206336cin.l1765206336uap1765206336